The Joy of Nature
by Calaquende
Summary: Radagast shares his love of the great outdoors with Saruman, much to the white wizard's dismay.
1. Saruman Cannot Believe It

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. We all know that.

A/N: Thanks to my dear beta Moriquende, you're reading this bit of humorfluff. Sounds an awful lot like cotton candy. The characterizations and situations within are a bit fanon, but that's the way I like writing my humor, apparently. Enjoy, and feel free to comment and review. I love me some feedback.

**Saruman Cannot Believe It**

The white wizard's left eye twitched as he clutched the arms of his spindly study room chair. He let out an incredulous gasp as he looked to Radagast, who was standing in the doorway with an insidiously resolute expression.

"Surely...you cannot...be...serious?" he ventured.

Radagast jutted his chin out. "Of course I'm serious, you big silly! I think it's a marvelous idea!" Radagast's eyes glittered hopefully as he raised his bushy eyebrows.

It occurred to Saruman that he had not seen such a sickeningly sweet display since...well, perhaps not since the late Second Age. Maybe even the First Age. Saruman's mouth turned into a much-practiced frown.

"Radagast," he began, "I have never...done such a thing before, and frankly, I don't want to."

"But sweetie-buns, that's the point! To get you out of your comfort zone! To find new and adventurous things to do together!"

"That sounds revolting."

"Now don't be so disagreeable!" Radagast looked at Saruman's hateful expression, and decided perhaps he'd better go a different route. "Saruman...I don't know if you realize, but I have been living in Orthanc tower for about two months now without leaving. All this...marble and stone and cobwebs and dreariness certainly isn't something I'd choose...I mean, it's fine if you do, I'm just saying-"

"Yes, what are you saying?"

"I'm just saying that I'd like to have a change of scenery, at least for a bit. And show you a little bit of the world I am used to living in." Radagast nodded to add emphasis.

Saruman sat for a moment, contemplating the proposal. Was Radagast's request really all that awful? No, he had to admit, it wasn't. He still didn't think he would like it...but Radagast had been putting up with the cobwebs for months. Saruman, whose mind was very rarely bent toward fairness, was feeling quite equitable today. He let a timid, wan smile creep onto his face. It was an odd feeling, this feeble smile.

"Dear, what's wrong with your face?"

"Nothing Radagast...Fine. I will do it. But I certainly...don't know...what to pack."

Radagast clapped his hands together happily. "Oh you know, just everything you think will be necessary! This will be so fun! I'm going to go pack my things and get ready." With that, Radagast scurried out of room. He certainly wanted to get out of earshot in case Saruman changed his mind.

Saruman sat for a moment, looking down. He was heretofore unaware of the presence of Gríma, who had been poking about Saruman's bookshelves all morning, unnoticed.

"Where are you going, master?" hissed the minion, suddenly.

Saruman leapt from his chair in surprise. "Gríma..." he began, suspiciously.

"Well?" Gríma's flinty eyes flashed at Saruman.

Saruman didn't want to admit it, but Gríma was really most disconcerting. It wouldn't be half bad to be out of the tower for a few days, Saruman mused. He frowned at Gríma as he swept out of his study with alacrity.

"A camping trip, Gríma. A camping trip."


	2. Don't Leave Bags Unattended

A/N: If Gríma didn't look like a disturbing reptile on crack, I don't suppose this chapter would have happened.

**Don't Leave Bags Unattended**

Later that night, Gríma prowled in the upper bedrooms of Orthanc tower. He had finished fiddling with Saruman's leather-bound volumes in his study. Lately he had taken to doing nearly imperceptible aggravating things to Saruman, just to see if he'd notice. Just now he had been removing books from the study shelves, taking off their dust covers, and either pairing each dust cover with the wrong book, or turning the dust cover around so it was on the book upside down. He prided himself in the fact that he returned all the books to the shelves so they looked exactly the same as they had before; all the titles faced forward, every book appeared to be right-side up – nothing fishy, certainly. The aggravation that it would cause Saruman to find the upside down books was well worth any risks or tedium involved in the pranks.

Gríma had meddled with other things before, too. Several weeks previous when Saruman had been in his soufflé making frenzy, Gríma had pilfered his monogrammed dishtowels and hidden them in the guest quarters near the top of the tower. He had also been exchanging articles in Saruman's closet with things in Radagast's; surely they would blame each other and a delightful snit would ensue.

Gríma was creeping around Saruman's room trying to think of a way to ruin a pair of Saruman's white robes when he saw the bag on the bed. He approached it carefully, and sat down on Saruman's bed so slowly the mattress didn't even creak. Why, this must be his traveling bag for the camping trip, Gríma thought. And left...curiously alone.

Hunched over, Gríma loosened the drawstring on the bag slowly. When finally the bag fell open, he surveyed the contents: three pairs of white robes, a brush, a comb, four towels, fuzzy slippers, toothbrush, toothpaste, foaming cleanser, pore refining astringent, and a voluminous hard-bound book. It occurred to Gríma that perhaps these were not the most necessary items one would need on a camping trip, but nonetheless, they were the items Saruman planned to bring.

Now, Gríma racked his brains, what on earth could he put in the bag that would be really odd or even alarming to Saruman? He pondered the question with pursed lips.

He knew it! He leapt off the bed and smiled. Well, he would have to go to the dungeon, to Lurtz's old room, to get the bloody thing, but oh, what a pay-off this would have! He stifled a giggle as he walked out of Saruman's room and began his slow trudge down the thousands of stairs toward the dungeon.


	3. Saruman is of No Use Outdoors

A/N: I hope Tolkien doesn't mind my characterization of Radagast too much. I rather like him. But yeah, same rules here: I don't own any of these characters or locales.

**Saruman is of No Use Outdoors**

Saruman had not expected that walking would lead to...well, startlingly undignified things, like sweat and toe blisters. He slung his bag over his shoulder with a huff of breath. He rather hoped Radagast would get the hint. But Radagast continued forward, resolutely. It was becoming painfully obvious that despite the two wizards' comparable statures, one was incredibly more inclined toward physical activity than the other. Saruman came to a halt, throwing his bag down dramatically. "Radagast, I need a break!" he shouted in a rather less dignified manner than he had hoped.

Radagast turned around and smiled at Saruman genially. He waved, and became tramping back to where Saruman was standing. Saruman gasped and slumped down on a nearby boulder. He took his long, well-manicured hand, and wiped it across his forehead. This...this confounded _dew_ that was gathering on his face had to be stopped.

"So, are you pooped already?" said Radagast with a friendly smile.

"No...I am merely...resting..." Saruman realized that dramatic pauses lost a good deal of their effect when he was panting.

Radagast opened his large knapsack and withdrew a canteen. Saruman swiped it out of his hands as soon as it was offered. Radagast looked down at Saruman in concern, and then proceeded to rummage through his bag until he found it - some _lembas_ the Elves of Lórien had given him upon his most recent visit. He broke off a piece of it and handed it to the wheezing white wizard. Saruman ate greedily. It occurred to Radagast that this was the first time he has seen Saruman act like he had real needs...well, besides the need to be evil and sinister. It was almost as if he was...well certainly not mortal, but alive. Radagast considered this most encouraging.

"Really, we're getting very close."

Saruman looked up dolefully. "Radagast...I believe...all this walking...has given me a blister."

"Well darling, that sometimes happens. Did you bring bandages?"

Saruman looked up at Radagast sharply. "Bandages? Why on earth would I think to pack those?"

"Well...I mean, I told you bring everything that you consider necessary, and I usually think of bandages as a usual traveling accessory, so..." he trailed off, noting Saruman's flashing eyes.

"If you had wanted me to bring them, you should have told me."

Radagast paused for a moment. "Well," he began slowly, "what did you bring?"

Saruman slammed his bag down with a _thunk_, while struggling to undo the drawstring. Upon finally opening the bag, he upturned it, letting all the items fall into a giant heap at Radagast's feet. There everything was: his white robes, his brushes, combs, and tooth toiletries, his slippers, his towels, his facial care system, his large book...and an _Orkish whip_? Radagast stared in disbelief; not only was it an Orkish whip, but one with seven prongs!

"Why, that thing looks deadly!" he exclaimed.

Saruman looked down at the contents of his back, his eyebrows furrowing as he took the whip into account. Radagast now looked quite alarmed.

"What...you weren't thinking of using it on me were you?"

"I didn't pack this," Saruman faltered.

"Well put the bloody thing away! Of all the silly things! Where on earth did you think we were going? Bree? You needed to bring...oh, equipment, useful things! Do you have no idea what is useful?"

Saruman stood up, gathering himself to his full, towering height. "I thought of bringing a Seeing Stone. After all, it's not like you would ask for directions."

Radagast turned on Saruman, his nostrils flaring. "For your information, I know where we are going. Now let's just...keep going for the sake of Yavanna! Honestly..." He stamped on ahead of Saruman, hoping that he would follow. He was sure he hadn't quite handled the last situation with Saruman well, but the introduction of whips was really more than Radagast could take.

Saruman threw the contents of his bag back inside and slung it over his left shoulder. He picked up his staff, and kept going. Really, he thought, it would be much easier if the eagles would simply take them wherever Radagast wanted to go. He supposed Gwaihir still wasn't on his good side though. He sighed and trudged on. Things would be better once he had a tent to sleep in.


	4. Saruman Fails to be Helpful

A/N: Though I don't own them, I do think that Saruman/Radagast is canon. Relatively.

**Saruman Fails To Be Helpful**

Now that they had reached the clearing, Radagast was slowly emptying his large knapsack. He pulled out a large tarp, some stakes, and a small hammer. Saruman steadied himself against a nearby tree. At least we've made it this far, he thought, ruefully. Radagast stood up straight and started looking around the clearing.

"What is it?" asked Saruman.

"Well, the next thing we have to do is pitch a tent," came his cheerful response, "but first, we need to find some suitable pieces of wood."

"Wood? Whatever for?"

"To build the tent, silly! I can't just throw a tarp over thin air and expect a tent to appear!" Radagast bustled off in search of pieces of wood. In his absence, Saruman collapsed in a heap. He was pretty sure his blister had burst by now. Ruining a perfectly good pair of shoes, too, he thought.

As he sat alone in the clearing, he heard a peculiar sound. What could it be? Birds tweeting? A brook babbling? Pleasant ambient forest noises? Saruman looked about apprehensively; the last "pleasant ambient forest noises" he could recall were the sounds the trees in Fangorn Forest had made as his team of orcs ripped them from the ground. The more Saruman thought about it, the more anxious he became; surely Treebeard was still furious about the trees. Saruman decided it was best not to be alone so near Fangorn, so he stood up and wandered to the far edge of the clearing, looking for Radagast.

"Looking for something, dear?" Radagast chirped from behind. Saruman jumped into the air in surprise. "My, a bit jumpy, aren't we?"

"Yes."

"Well, here, help me build this tent." First Radagast took the two longish pieces of wood and struck them into the soft mound of earth in the clearing. He pushed them in rather far, and then tried to shake them, making sure they were stable. Then he fetched the tarp, and tried unfurling it over the stakes. Saruman watched in wonder: How on earth would this turn into a tent?

As Radagast shook out the brown tarp, a gust of wind came and blew it back into his face.

"That doesn't seem to be working," said Saruman.

"Well," Radagast's voice was muffled as he untangled himself from the tarp, "you could _help_ me, you know."

"My blister hurts...far...too much..."

"Oh for heaven's sake! Fine." Radagast struggled a bit more with the tarp until he finally managed to situate it on the top of the stakes. He walked back to his bag and grabbed rope to attach the tarp to the stakes. As Radagast started tying, Saruman decided now was a good time to give advice.

"Oughtn't you...do...fancier knots...if you want it to stay in place?"

"Dear, the simplest ones are best." Radagast proceeded to get more rope to attach to the tarp. He crouched down, and as he started tying, he became aware of a long shadow descending over him. It was Saruman's. "Hmmm," he heard the white wizard say, disapprovingly.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Why don't you make yourself useful and bring me the small stakes and the hammer? We need to anchor this tarp." Really, Saruman was getting most irritating.

Saruman stalked slowly to the knapsack and then picked up the required items. "They're heavy," he said balefully. Radagast chose to ignore this. Saruman approached Radagast once again, and deposited the stakes and the hammer.

Radagast began pulling the tarp straight out and anchoring it to the ground with the stakes. With a _tap tap_ from the hammer, the stakes were driven into the ground and the tarp billowed promisingly.

"Shouldn't you anchor it farther out? I do so like having foot space."

"Saruman, we will have plenty of space. I've done this before, you know."

"Hmm."

After fifteen more minutes, Radagast had finally secured the tent, and though Saruman didn't want to admit it, it looked rather homey. Well, for a tent. But Saruman was still in a dour mood from the blister.

"Well, what do you think?" said Radagast, beaming.

Saruman paused dramatically. "Well...it looks lovely...but I rather thing we ought to move it five feet over...the ground there...looks..._softer_..."

"Ai Ilúvatar! We are not moving the tent!"

Saruman stared at him. Radagast sighed helplessly. Really, what had possessed him to take Saruman camping? Saruman sat down on a nearby stump and grimaced.

"When...do...we eat...dinner?" drawled the white wizard.

Radagast threw his arms up in the air and disappeared into the tent.


End file.
